A Sad Goodbye

Going to Germany was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. I remember finding out that I got accepted to the Universität des Saarlandes. Since my fiance was not awake at the time, I ran upstairs to my friends' dorm and told them and laughed and smiled like you wouldn't believe. Then later, when I told my fiance, I broke down into tears at the shear joy and happiness and relief of it all. Finally, a dream I had since I was a little girl, was becoming a reality and I'd get to live in Germany. Finally, I'd be able to be a "real" girlfriend to Fabian and to put a stop to the long distance relationship and learn what it's like to just be with him for longer than 6 weeks. I couldn't believe it was really true and time couldn't go fast enough until it was time for me to go.

Then it was suddenly time and I had to say goodbye to family and friends, which I found a lot harder than I thought. Once I got there I was instantly hit with culture shock. Everyone spoke German so fast, I swore they weren't breathing. Fabian was there but I realized that I wouldn't see my family for over a year - people I had seen often throughout my entire life. People I was really close to. But after a while it got better. My German comprehension got better, my pronunciation and speaking skills improved and life became easier. I was adjusting. But for a long time I would still get hit with occasional "culture shock" symptoms. Sometimes I would just be tired of German. Sometimes all I'd want is to go to the States, eat Taco Bell and watch TV in English so I could just veg out. Other times I would be tired of always having to explain myself in German in a restaurant or store. Eventually those times came less and less often, until finally I woke up one day and realized that Germany was now my home.

The rest of the time there was fantastic. There were still some sad times or days when I missed my family, but those were quite seldom and I just enjoyed life. I enjoyed being with Fabian and focusing on my classes. I enjoyed teaching English to a little girl and volunteering at a the Bird Park. I enjoyed my friends and my life in this place that had once been so different to me. Towards the end I got stressed out pretty bad about tests and my gorilla study at the Saarbruecken zoo, but then that was over and I was just happy to have vacation in Spain with Fabian. Then he asked me to marry him... :)

Then eventually it got harder. Eventually I realized that I really was going to be leaving Germany and Fabian behind to come back to the States. I dreaded leaving and it was and is the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I got to the States, my reverse culture shock was really bad. I cried often in the first several days for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons had to do with leaving Fabian and missing him, but an almost equal amount had to do with being in the States. When I left Germany behind I didn't just leave Fabian behind, I also left my home there. Germany isn't just a place that I spent a year - it became a part of me and a part of who I am. It's changed me in ways I can't even explain and I wouldn't give up or change anything about my year abroad.

Now I sit here, not even a month after I'm back and I realize that it's time to move on. Originally I thought about keeping Just a Girl active until I'm over my reverse culture shock but now I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely over the reverse culture shock... at least not for a really long time. Just like when I was in Germany, there will be times when all I want to do is go home (to Germany), where everything makes sense. There will be times when all I want to do is sit down and watch TV that's in German. I'll probably never write a date again without remembering that if I was in Germany I'd be writing it day/month/year and I'll probably always occasionally wonder how to say something to someone, and then realize that I speak English to them so it doesn't matter how I'd say it in German. Germany has changed my entire out look on life, the world, and America in such a way, that being here in the States will never be the same to me ever again. As my German teacher told me the other day,

"We send people abroad with the hopes of making them uncomfortable and looking at things completely different when they get back. Though we don't want to say that we hope the students will go through a tough time, we hope to show them that there is a whole wide world out there and that when they come back, everything is completely different to them. We want them to have a new outlook on the world."

But I realize that it's time to move on, at least in the blog world. I suspect that one day in the future I'll wake up and realize that I've re-adjusted to life here completely...but that day is a long ways off. It could be months or years from now... or maybe even never. It's time for me to focus on my new blog and how to integrate this wonderful part of my life into my current situation and home.

So it is with a heavy heart that I close this blog. It has been a great way for me to capture my year and turn me on to the world of blogging. For those of you interested in my story, feel free to start at the beginning and read them all. Then go on to Everyday Escapades: The Story of a Girl, and read all about my current situation as I finish college, deal with having a long distance relationship and readjust to life in the US. And with that, I say farewell.