My First Night

I sit here in my very first apartment, all by myself at about 10:15 at night. I arrived here between 11 am and noon today, and after much hauling of stuff up to my third floor apartment, we ate lunch and ran around all over the place getting things. Or to be put exactly: I went to lunch and Savers with my family, then ran around all over the other places alone to get everything done. This evening it was visiting friends and catching up on things with people I haven't seen in a very long time. Now I sit here back in my apartment, alone.

I haven't really unpacked anything yet: my bed isn't even made. Mom put away a few things earlier, but I don't even know where she put the things at really. I put away the cold food stuff in the fridge after grocery shopping, but nothing else. And all my stuff is all over the place. The apartment is really messy and it looks terrible. But do you know what I keep thinking over and over again as I sit here?

If I put away all my stuff or go to bed or do anything besides type on my computer... the reality will sink in that Fabian really isn't here with me, that I'm really not going back to Germany and that my year abroad really is over. All things I wish I could make go away.

Okay - I'm done feeling sorry for myself now. Off I go to at least put a couple things away before bed.