I [kind of sort of don't really] hate history.*

I hate the test that I have to study for on Friday. There are so many things to know, and I feel so overwhelmed by it all. Funny, how we spent so much time focusing on/preparing for the little things - this test will last 20 minutes. 20 minutes out of my life is not very much. But I sure am spending a lot of time preparing.

But I've ran out of juice. Everyday is a struggle to make myself study - every minute I'm studying a struggle to put the information I know into a cohesive german sentence. Why is it such a struggle? Because I've learned that knowing something, and explaining it well off the top of your head in German are too totally different things. A written test? Not so easy but I could do it, with much less worry. A spoken test in which I am expected to know all there is to know about East and West Germany between 1945-1989, expected to be able to explain all this info quickly, and effeciently and do it all in German with a professor who sort of scares me? Not so easy.

You see, I'm a written person. I make myself clearer when I write. I can write out my thoughts, what I know, and if it doesn't make sense I can erase and start over or rewrite it. I'm not pressured by time (not too much anyways) and I don't feel self conscious because I can take the time to think. In german this is helpful because I can first think what I know about the topic, then take my time to make a pretty german sentence that is mostly grammaticly correct. But a test out loud? I have to think and answer immediatly, no time for mistakes, if I make them I just look worse to the proffesor (grammatical mistakes that is). I've been studying outloud to myself off and on all day, asking myself questions and giving answers... and it takes me a while to think about the topic, remember what I know, and then have it come out in German well. And mind you, I'm thinking in German too. So it's not that I have to translate in my head or anything. It's just hard to do this all in German. Most times my sentences come out confused in subject/verb/case/etc and I have to stop and start again, I take long pauses searching for the right words. Even to me I sound unsure of myself, struggling and unknowledgeable. I don't want to come off that way, since I'm pretty sure that playing the "unsure american" won't really appeal to this teacher. Why do I think that? Because of the way he always speaks. Because even Germans in this class are afraid of this test. Today I talked to one girl, who when she told people she knew that she was in his class, they replied, "Wow. You have him as a proffesor for your first semester at the University? You're crazy!" When she told me this, I replied that we know that we're crazy now too, so why didn't anyone tell us this when we decided on classes? Another friend of mine from the class said to this topic, "Yeah, good luck. He's hard." Hmmm.. thanks... I'm feeling MUCH better.

So, maybe I'm just having a bad german day (funny since my speaking and understanding today otherwise has been great), and I know that I need to relax, and not worry - I'm trying. I know that it's only 20 minutes of one day of my entire life, that even if I fail it's okay - I have time to take the equivelant (and better/easier/more fun) class at NDSU in Fargo sometime next year, so it's not like I'll be behind in graduating or anything like that.... I'm just stressed because the entire semester has been such a struggle in this class, and I've never had such a hard time studying for a test in my entire life.

If I fail I'm going to cry.

* If your wondering the translation for my title, this is a phrase I use a lot (or sometimes at least) in English. All I mean is that I really really almost hate history, but I don't really hate it. It just comes very very close.